Capu Page 15

  Shae closed her eyes and wanted to cry.

  Carlo talked over his plans and barely asked her for her opinion. To be loved this way would mean she would have to give up everything. Trust in him only. All her life she had avoided that kind of trust. How was she supposed to do the opposite now? She didn't know where to begin. When her silence became, too much Carlo turned her over to her side so he could lay with his head on her breasts.

  “Let’s talk about it later. Right now it’s so amazing to be loved,” he tried to sing the rest in Luther’s voice. Shae chuckled. She stroked his head and sang Luther’s song, teaching him the lyrics. She hummed and sang until he was sleep.

  “I love you.”

  ***

  Shae heard a baby crying. She sat up in bed confused. The babies tortured moans were louder and louder. Shae left Carlo in bed. She put on her robe. She walked out of her room. But she didn't enter her suite. Instead, she was in a rundown apartment in the heart of projects on the south-side of Chicago.

  “Shut up!” she heard a man shout and smack someone.

  The baby cried louder. Shae put her hand to her mouth. The voice. It was familiar. She knew that voice. She walked past the broken television set and the empty beer bottles. She walked toward a room door that was partially opened. But when she got to the door she couldn’t open it. She knew what was behind it. Her father. Shae put her hands to her head and squeezed her eyes shut. It was a dream. One she had over and over since she was a kid. If she opened the door, she'd remember the terrible things he did to her as a little girl. She didn't want to remember.

  The whimpers of a tortured child stopped. Shae lowered her hands from her ears and opened her eyes expecting to wake up in bed next to Carlo. Instead, she saw Gladys.

  Shae walked out of the darkness into Gladys’s kitchen. The only mother she’d ever known sat at the table sipping her coffee and reading the comic strip from the Sunday paper. It was what she did every Sunday after church.

  “Sit down, Shannon,” Gladys said.

  Shae sat at the tiny table and felt fourteen again. She wiped her tears and smiled. Gladys looked up at her. She smiled. “I’m so proud of you, baby.”

  “I miss you so much,” Shae wept.

  “I’m with you, Shannon. You know that. Always have been, and always will be. The way God intended.”

  Shae looked down at her hand and saw the ring Carlo gave her. Gladys picked up her hand and looked at it. “You love him?”

  “Yes, mam,” she said.

  “Good. You need love in this world. He needs love too. You two can be so much good for each other, it’ll chase the bad away. If you have a little faith.”

  “I’m scared. He’s destined to be a disaster, Gladys. He goes back into his world and he’ll either go to prison or get killed. I make him weak because I want him to run away. I want us both to disappear.”

  “He makes you strong,” Gladys said. “And that’s a good thing, baby. But what I really wanted for you, was for you to be strong on your own. God has a purpose for all of us, the righteous and the sinner. He loves us all. You can help those poor girls, and if you help them, Shae, you can help yourself. Then just maybe you can trust in his love. Leave it all behind. Heal, be whole, then be loved.”

  “It’ll kill him if I leave him. It’ll kill me if I leave him. He’s the only one, Gladys, to make me feel like I can be happy.”

  “Then be happy. But trust me, if you don’t get well, if you don’t get help, you’ll lose that happiness. Because nothing half-don ever last.”

  "She's right. Carlo's a maniac. With you, he's a puppy. But if you try to make him leave the Battaglias you’ll get him killed!” Another person said. Shae looked over and saw Marietta wearing a long white gown. Her pregnant belly protruded. Her friend smiled sadly at her.

  “You still think he loves you?” Shae said. “He doesn’t. He told me.”

  “You sure about that Shae?” Marietta asked. “Remember, he only came to visit because I told him too.”

  Shae closed her eyes and cried. "You can be a cruel bitch sometimes."

  “If you come back to Italy with Carlo he’ll start thinking like a man in love instead of a capu. You’ll get him killed. His pain and suffering makes him invincible, Shae. It’s who he is before and after you.”

  “He’s much more than that. You don’t know him like I do.”

  “Being a capu in the Camorra is not a job he can quit or retire from. And what will you give him? Someone to worry about? What can you give him? A baby? No. Look at me. I have my sister. My baby. And my husband is second in command. My life won’t be yours. You won’t even have a seat at our family table. Mirabella will not hire an ex-whore into her company. My sister is all about class.”

  “You’re an ex-whore!” Shae said.

  Marietta smiled. “Not anymore Shae. And those girls that are missing, being sold into sex slavery? Carlo used to be in that business with Lorenzo. He’s no saint, Shae. He has so many hookers here... it’s why he thought you were one.”

  “Shut up!” Shae burst into tears.

  Marietta came over and grabbed Shae’s hands. “I’m your friend. Listen to me. Letting him go is saving him. Fix yourself before you take on a man as broken as Carlo. You two don’t fit.”

  Shae put her hands to her ears. She closed her eyes and waited for them to disappear. Seeing Gladys again, even in a dream, broke her heart. Hearing Marietta speak her fears hurt. She wanted so desperately to be stronger and to have a life with Carlo. But she knew in her heart she couldn’t. And then the crying started for her all over again.

  ***

  Shae put the letter on the nightstand. She set the diamond Rolex, the diamond choker, and her beautiful ring down on top of it. Precious gifts she didn’t think herself worthy of. She stared down at a sleeping Carlo. He was such a man-baby when he slept. He had a pout to his mouth that she thought was so cute. She wished she had a camera to take a picture of him. Something of him to keep with her. She wanted to kiss him, but if she did he would wake up. Instead, she blew him a kiss. Shae wore blue jeans and a UNLV cut-off shirt. She smoothed her hair into a slender ponytail. She walked over and picked up her carry-on bag. She left out of the room. The hotel had instructions where to send her luggage. There was no time to pack. Shae looked around the suite that held her dreams for several months. The parties, the laughter, the images of the girls faded one by one until the only memory left was Carlo in a tuxedo surrounded by pink roses. Good things happened in her life. Good things would happen again. And maybe when she wasn’t so screwed up, the best person that ever happened to her would forgive her. She would never forget him.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Carlo woke with a smile on his face. He could smell Shae all over the bed. Shalimar was something he'd burn in his senses forever.

  “Shae?”

  He turned over and found her side of the bed empty. Carlo felt a pang of disappointment. He had wanted to wake her. He flopped over to his back and stretched and smiled. Soon every morning would be spent with her, only her. The thought of her made him want to shout her name over and over. Like a madman.

  “Shae?” he said and laughed.

  He pushed up on his elbows and stretched his eyes. He half expected her to run into the room, surprised by his shouting her name. He needed to wake up. He had calls to make. He needed to book their flights. There would be a lot to deal with when he arrived home. By now Giovanni should have learned of his trouble in Vegas. He could still remember what happened to Renaldo when he upset Giovanni by getting into trouble in New York. But Shae was worth it.

  “Shae?”

  Carlo sat up. He looked to the bathroom. The door was open. She wasn’t there, so she must be in the suite. Sometimes she’d wake early to talk with the other girls in the suite. He smiled as he pictured Shae flashing her ring to anyone who passed. He was going to give her a bigger wedding than the Donna. All of Sicily would be invited. He’d even clean up his dad and bring him.

&nb
sp; When he turned to get out of bed the sparkle of gems caught his eye. The watch, necklace, and her pink diamond ring lay on the nightstand nearest the bed. At first, he didn't think much of it. Shae had made love to him with the ring on but kept the other jewels in the safe. Maybe she showered and took it off? But it was the letter beneath the jewels that gave Carlo pause. He reached for both. The letter was addressed to him.

  Carlo,

  I have written this letter so many times. I can’t find the words to say the things in my heart on paper. But it’s even harder for me to find the words to say to you face to face. There are no words to tell you how hard this is for me. I’ve never been in love, not true love. Because I never believed in it. And now that I do, I feel like such an idiot for losing you. No matter what you think of me, I want you to know from the bottom of my heart; I do love you so very much. The problem I have, Carlo, is that I don't know how to love me. That's why I'm a coward. It's why I can't face you to tell you the truth. How very scared I am of everything, even scared enough to let go of the best thing between us. I wish I had the courage to talk to you last night, but last night when I said I would marry you, I meant it. I guess that makes no sense when I tell you today I can't. I can't marry you or anyone. I can't give you the wife you deserve. You've been through so much, lost so much, I want you to have everything your heart desires. A woman who is strong, secure, and able to love you without baggage. I want you to be a father. Raise a little boy to be a man. Show your father that you are stronger and better than he is.

  I lost the contract with the hotel. The girls have either quit or disappeared. I realized yesterday that this business was never for me. It was something I did to survive, not something I needed to survive. I can’t go back to violence. I can’t live that way any longer, Carlo. I love you with all my heart, but I can’t live the life you want us to share. I understand if you hate me now. Part of me will forever hate myself for hurting you. It’s one of my biggest flaws. Hurt people, hurt people. But the other part of me also loves myself enough to know that the best thing for me to do is find a way to heal, and to let you go.

  These past four weeks have been a dream. I never thought I could fall in love with a tough boy Sicilian or any man. Ever. I never wanted to be with a man so badly, desired a life with a man deeply, cared for a man the way I have you. I will cherish the memories we made and believe in you always. I hope that you find a woman to give you many sons, and many happy days. My loss is her gain. If one day you can forgive me then pray for me, as I will always pray for you. I love you.

  Shae

  Carlo read the letter twice. She wrote it on white paper with dark pink ink. It smelled like her. He stared at the words so long and so hard they blurred. And then he realized it wasn’t his vision that was slipping. It was his mind. His eyes welled with tears and his chest tightened to the point of constricting his lungs into pretzel knots. Shae wasn’t gone. It wasn’t over. Not by a long shot.

  He tossed the letter aside and found his clothes. She couldn't have gone far. He would have heard her packing. He went to her closet and saw her clothes hanging next to the ones he bought her. And her pretty pink shoes were all lined up. He went into the bathroom and her perfume Shalimar lotion was there. Gone was her toothbrush and other toiletries.

  A sharp dizzying spell swept over him. It stunned him. He felt like he suffered a nose bleed. He touched his face and waited for vertigo to ease. He teetered on the edge. Was this what a panic attack felt like? He hadn’t felt uncertain, crazy, hurt, and desperate since that Asian boxer snapped Ciro’s neck. And just like then, rage set fire to all of his rational thoughts. Carlo couldn’t breathe.

  He stormed out of the room into an empty suite. He went through each vase of pink roses, twelve vases in total, and began to smash them, throw them all at walls and doors. Even two at the windows. He marched into the empty bedrooms and flipped the mattresses and turned over the dressers. What was he searching for? What was he doing? He should find Shae. He had to find Shae. Confused, Carlo grabbed the hotel key and hurried out. He took the elevator down, still struggling to breathe. It was as if his heart was lodged in his throat and cut off his airways. There were people everywhere. The more he tried to claim calm the more his vision blurred. Carlo shoved a man to the ground. And he shoved a lady next. Whoever stepped in his way, he shoved them aside. He blinked away his teary vision and managed to stagger out of the casino to the hotel desk.

  “I need to know where Shannon Dennis went. Did she check out?" he asked in a hoarse voice.

  The woman frowned. She looked alarmed at his state. He was red in the face and panting. His brow dripped sweat. He struggled to keep his voice calm. His fist clenched, and he slammed it down on the counter. “Where is she? Get me your fucking manager! Now!”

  The woman nodded and walked away. Other travelers with their suitcases and brochures overheard his loud shouting. They stared at him. He closed his eyes and tried to rein in his temper. He was miserable without Shae at his side to keep him calm. Damn it. Shae was stubborn. Shae was tough. She was not a fucking coward. She wouldn’t leave him this way. He should have known he’d have to convince her. Maybe he spooked her by all that fucking talk about her leaving America. Fuck. He’d defy Giovanni and stay if it calmed her down. He needed to find her and talk to her. They could stay in Vegas. He had the money. He’d tell her he’d stay as long as she wanted.

  “Sir? Can I help you?”

  “Where is Shannon. Shannon Dennis?”

  “Oh yes? Shannon. Please, come with me.” The man walked to the end of the counter. He dismissed security that had arrived and opened the side partition for Carlo to step inside. Maybe Shae had left him a message. Suddenly Carlo could breathe again.

  Once inside the manager’s office Carlo locked eyes with him and demanded an explanation.

  "I met with Shannon about three hours ago. She has asked that we send her, her things. The room is paid up for the remainder of the month. She told us you would be staying in it..."

  Carlo grabbed the man by the throat and threw him up against the wall. Carlo slammed his forearm against the manager’s neck to keep him pinned there. “Che cazzo dici! I asked you where the fuck she is! You fucking with me?”

  The manager choked on his words. He kicked his scrawny legs and clawed at Carlo’s arm. His face turned red as a beet. Carlo let up on the pressure. Only because he wanted the runt to speak. Afterwards he’d decide if he should kill him for wasting his time.

  “I will call the police!” the man wheezed.

  “Where the fuck is she?” He slammed his fist into the wood.

  “I don’t know, sir. She didn’t tell me.”

  He pulled the manager’s head up from his crouched position and made him stand straight. “You said she told you to send her things. Where? Where are the things going?”

  The man’s eyes were wet with tears. He was shaking so bad Carlo feared he’d piss himself.

  “She gave me the name of a storage company. A company she uses in Chicago. She said to send it there.”

  Carlo threw the man, and without realizing his strength, sent the manager sailing over his desk and hitting the wall. The manager dropped behind his desk unconscious. Carlo walked over to the desk and knocked things over. He searched for Shae's number. He saw a notepad with her name and the address and phone number to a storage company.

  “Vaffanculo! Fuck you and this hotel.” He said. Carlo had tunnel vision. Most times when he did it meant someone had to die. It wasn’t his Shae. It was whoever stood in his way and kept her from him. He was not going to let her go. Not without burning everything to the ground. He returned to his room and gathered all his things, including her jewels. Carlo left the room before he knew security would arrive. He took the stairs instead of the elevator. He had both guns on him, and he wouldn’t hesitate to shoot his way out of the casino to get to the airport. When he walked through the hotel with his luggage he blended with the crowds. As he passed out of the doors, six poli
ce officers ran inside. Carlo ignored them. He nodded to the valet to signal for a cab. He eased inside.

  “Airport,” he said.

  Once inside the cab he ran down his options, what he would do when he found her. How he would deal with the Battaglias to give him more time. He needed to calm Shae down and show her that there was nothing to fear with him. Give her a little time. All they needed was some time. She was headed to Chicago. It was where Shae had to be. He’d find her there. He would find her.

  He arrived at the airport and carried his luggage inside. He went to the first airline and skipped the line. People grunted in protest and he didn’t care.

  “Sir, you’re skipping the line.” A short bald man whined.

  “Vaffanculo!” Carlo snarled to the man tapping his arm. He glared at him through his sunglasses. The man may or may not know Italian, but Carlo’s delivery of the threat had the needed affect. He blinked and shut the fuck up.

  “Next!” the airport clerk said.

  Carlo walked up. “Chicago. When does the flight leave?”

  “Chicago? Our last open flight left at twelve,” she said.

  “Open?” Carlo frowned. It was two. Could Shae have made that flight? Or did she take another airline?

  “When is the next flight?”

  “All flights are sold out. The next one with an open seat is the red-eye at three in the morning.”

  “Sold out? Who else flies to Chicago?” he asked. “What airline?”

  “Sir, because of the convention every airline is booked. You can check with American and United.”

  “Can’t you look into that computer? See it?” he asked.

  She tapped on her keyboard. Carlo glanced behind him. He saw the man he cursed at talking to security guards. He was pointing at him.