Before Sunrise Page 39

  “How’s Liam? Why isn’t he with you?”

  “Liam’s doing great. But he’s, well, he had some things to do today.” Kennedy shrugged.

  “How’s he dealing with you and Phil?”

  Kennedy closed the washer and cranked the dial for a medium cycle. “What do you mean?”‘

  “Kennedy. How are you and Liam dealing with Phil? With all of this?” Andrew came closer. She turned, and smiling at the hug he offered, squeezed her daddy tightly. “He’s trying to adjust. We’re working it out. I’m just so glad he’s alive.”

  Andrew released her. He touched her face gently. “I spoke with Phil. Sounds like he’s going to do the right thing and step aside. Is that what you want?”‘

  “Do you even have to ask, daddy? This is Liam. He’s home, and all mine.” Kennedy grinned. She broke from him. “I still feel like this is a dream.”

  “It is a bit surreal. We should never have doubted you. You said he wasn’t dead.”

  “It was hard to believe he’s been out there all this time and unable to come back to me. We all dealt with it the best we could. So you spoke to Phil? What did he say?”

  “He loves you, he loves Mac, and he’ll be there for you.”

  “And mama? God, I can just imagine what she must have said to Phil.”

  Kennedy began to separate the colors out for the next load. It would be a Christmas miracle if her mom and Liam could become friendly.

  “I’ve spoken to your mother. She knows we’re here to support you and Liam. She plans to do just that. She wanted to get him something for Christmas, too.” Andrew smiled.

  A cool wave of relief went through Kennedy. “Thank God! This is going to be a great Christmas, isn’t it daddy?”

  “Absolutely it is, sweetheart.”

  ***

  The veteran’s hospital wasn’t as scary as he’d thought. Liam wasn’t sure what to expect. There was nothing out of the ordinary about the clean lobby he waited in. No men in white suits carrying away GI’s in straitjackets. No nurses with long needles for sedation. When his name was called, he was led away by a young woman in service dress. She deposited him in an office, asked if he wanted coffee, and told him the doctor would be in soon. Liam scanned the degrees and awards bestowed on Dr. Abrams. The man had indeed seen combat. Looked like he went into psychiatry after his tour of duty.

  “Mr. Flanagan?”

  Liam tried to rise. However, his awkward stance put pressure on the wrong leg and he dropped back down in the chair.

  “Please don’t get up,” the doctor said. He extended his hand. “I’m Dr. Abrams.”

  The doctor stood a foot shorter than him, and at least thirty years his senior. He had silver-white hair, glasses, and an almost scholarly face. He didn’t look threatening, but Liam knew well how appearances could be deceiving.

  “Hi,” Liam said, a bit embarrassed at his failure to rise until the doctor walked around to his desk with a similar limp. One Liam couldn’t help but notice.

  “So I’ve heard great things about you, Lieutenant. War hero, huh? President pin a medal on you yet?”

  “I’m no hero, sir. Though I’m told he wants to meet with me soon.” Liam could deal with his baby girl thinking of him as a hero. But the idea of wearing the hero label amongst men who survived just as much horror as he did didn’t sit well.

  “How long has it been?”

  Liam sighed. “Three months, six days, forty-eight hours.”

  The doctor smiled. “You do know there will never be a day that you don’t know the minute and hour it all ended?”

  Liam nodded. “I just want a day to come when I don’t have to feel like I’m still…still there.”

  “Well, those days come after some hard work. I don’t have to tell you that we will need to start out aggressively. The moment they pulled you out, you should have been in treatment.”

  “I know, sir.”

  Dr. Abrams managed a smile. Liam imagined he wasn’t a man who smiled often. “Let’s begin with a physical. Then we can get acquainted.”

  ***

  “Grandma!” Mackenzie squealed. The door to the front of the house closed. Kennedy turned to see her daughter run from the kitchen. But her father was quick. He caught her and raised a giggling Mackenzie over his head and carried her off. Kennedy winked her thanks and went to meet her mother, certain she would have a load of Christmas gifts. She was right. Gail struggled with three large shopping bags, and Kennedy could see the doll toys at the top.

  “Need some help, mama?”

  “Hi, sweetie. Where is Mac? I need to get these up to the room.”

  “Daddy has her.” Kennedy accepted the bags from her mother. Together they quickly darted up the stairs. Behind a closed door she dropped the load of toys on the bed. “This is a lot, ma. She has so much stuff from me and Phil already.”

  “Nonsense. It’s her birthday and Christmas so she gets double gifts.”

  Kennedy clapped her hands together. “Well, we need to start wrapping. Maybe tonight we can get everything under the tree.”

  “And the party? Is everything ready?”

  “Yep, still trying to work the clown entertainment out. A Christmas clown is a tall order. The company Angelina gave me may be able to deliver. We’ll see.” In the mix of toys was a board game that looked vaguely familiar. Kennedy picked up the Strawberry Shortcake box. “Mama, Mac already has this one. And this one too. I hope you kept the receipt.”

  “Oh, darn. I was afraid of that. I shouldn’t buy board games. It’s hard for the baby to play them without any siblings. Bet she asks you for a little brother or sister all the time.” Gail smiled.

  Kennedy smiled. “Not really. Mac loves being the center of attention. Don’t worry about the game, mom; I donate gifts to First Baptist every year. I think a couple of these should go. If that’s okay with you?”

  When Gail didn’t speak Kennedy looked over her shoulder. Her mom was just staring at her. “You okay?”

  “How are you, sweetheart? Are you really okay?”

  Kennedy stepped away from the bed. She wanted to hug her mother. Her heart overflowed with happiness. But somehow it felt awkward between them. So she put her hands into the back pockets of her jeans. “I have to be honest, mom. I’m happier than I have been in five years. I don’t know how to explain it, but Liam’s back and it’s so good between us. I’m just happy.”

  “That’s wonderful. It’s just that…oh, never mind.”

  “What is it? Say it.”

  Gail looked up and Kennedy was surprised to see tears there. Her mother blinked them away and smiled. “I love you so much, Kennedy. I just don’t know how to protect you.”

  “Protect me? Mama, why would you—”

  “This has to be hard, right? I mean Liam walked into this life you built with Phil. That had to be shocking for all three of you. Maybe even confusing. And I think of Mac and how confused she is. She’s just a baby. She needs stability.” Gail approached and touched Kennedy’s hand. “You are always so strong-willed and determined. Sweetheart, you charge right ahead without thinking things through. Things are different now. You’ve changed, Kennedy. I was there, remember? I saw when you tried to pick up your life after you thought he died. I saw how badly scarred you were. And eventually you moved on and became so independent. I’m your mother, honey; you can talk to me about anything. Even the doubts you must have concerning all of this.”

  She squeezed her mother’s hand, trying to be tolerant of her concern. Kennedy knew it wouldn’t be easy for her mother to accept the new reality. But she didn’t think Gail would miss it entirely. How could her father be so in touch with who she was and how she felt, and her mother remain oblivious?

  “I didn’t want to hurt Phil, mama. That was never my intention. But this isn’t as hard as you might think. Liam is my life, and I don’t doubt or regret anything except the five years it took for us to find each other.” Kennedy pulled her mother into a hug. Gail stiffened at first but Ken
nedy felt her loosen up once she was securely in her embrace. She kissed her mother’s cheek. “Liam will be here tomorrow for Christmas Eve. I want us to celebrate. This is our time and it would mean so much to him if you could be a part of our happiness. Let’s get over the past. Okay?”

  When she released Gail, she noticed a weak smile form across her mother’s blush-pink lips. It hurt she couldn’t even pretend to be happy for their reunion. Her mother was a kind woman underneath all that bitter stubbornness. Kennedy had learned a lot about being a good wife and mom from her. So she chose to take the high road and ignore it. “Now, let’s wrap some presents before that little four-year-old charges in here.”

  “Where’s Harper? Have you spoken to her today?” Gail wiped at loose tears.

  “No, call her. Tell her to get her butt over here. We got some cooking to do as well.”

  ***

  “While we wait on your test results, I have some questions for you, Lieutenant.” He and Dr. Abrams were now in another room, different than the office, and a lot less clinical than the exam rooms. Liam felt at ease in an open atrium. He sat on a spacious L-shaped sectional sofa. By the bulletin boards, tables, and chairs, and the ceiling-mounted TVs, he imagined group meetings or events took place in this area. Many windows faced the street so natural light flowed in.

  “Go ahead,” Liam said, anxious to get through the session and back to Kennedy.

  “Since your return, have you been alienating yourself from others to avoid stressful situations?”

  The question was direct and to the point, but Liam couldn’t think of a direct answer. He wasn’t exactly the one alienating himself. The situation alienated him. How could he continue to walk into the house of the man who’d stolen his wife and his kid? How could he be around the family and see Harper after what he’d done to Eric? How could he watch his baby girl run between two daddies and pretend it didn’t piss him off?

  “A yes or no will suffice,” The doctor said, with a steady gaze just over the rim of his glasses.

  “Yes,” Liam admitted.

  “And the panic attacks? In social situations that are extremely stressful and you can’t escape, how often do you find yourself confrontational and/or violent?”

  “Two, maybe three times I’ve lost it.” Liam shifted in his seat knowing, it had been considerably more.

  The doctor didn’t react, which only made the tension churn in his gut, then rise to a twisting ball of regret in Liam’s throat. This is where it all goes to hell, and the doctor sends in the men with white coats.

  “Do you find yourself hiding your feelings of anxiety and fear by smiling and laughing to make others think you’re okay?”

  Liam nodded his answer.

  “Do you struggle to fall asleep, and stay asleep?”

  Liam sighed. “Yes.”

  “Are you reliving the trauma in dreams and flashbacks…as vividly as you did when you were being held captive?”

  “Fuck this!” Liam snapped. “I know what PTSD is. Yes, I have it. I’m not going to waste my time with multiple-choice questions just to say I’m fucking crazy. I’ve let you poke and prod me. I’ve told you about what they did—every fucking thing they did. I went through this shit for a month with the army, navy, whoever the fuck is in charge now. I know you have all of this in my file. Give me a fucking pill or something and send me on my way!”

  The doctor just stared at him. Liam hadn’t realized he was shouting until he felt the burn in his throat. The look the doctor gave him wasn’t of pity or shock. He thought he saw a glimmer of understanding behind the man’s clinical mask.

  “Is that what you want, Liam? Drugs?”

  “I want to get on with my fucking life. If a pill will do it, then fine, I’ll take it. I just want the dreams to stop.”

  “Because they’re not really dreams, are they? You can’t tell the difference anymore.”

  “I’ve thought at times I’ve seen someone, felt like I’m being watched.”

  “Are you?”

  Liam didn’t know how to answer. He was certain that Alex had teams on him, and whoever she truly served was probably tailing him as well. But the scene in the arcade haunted him. It still felt so real.

  “Are you afraid you might hurt your wife and your daughter?”

  “Of course I’m afraid. They’re all I have. If I lose either one of them I won’t make it. I won’t even try to make it.”

  The doctor closed his leather binder and Liam felt the muscles in his chest relax. He realized it was the scrutiny that had pushed his buttons. He wasn’t a man who talked about his feelings. He told Kennedy what he thought she could handle, but even she didn’t know all of it.

  “You’re right. Enough of the twenty questions. You want to get down to it, let’s. Here’s the deal between you and me. You want to reach a whole place, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I can help you express what you’re really feeling and not what you think people want to hear from you. Together we’ll confront those nightmares that happen when you’re awake, and maybe uncover the reason behind the ones that started long before you enlisted.”

  Liam’s gaze flipped up. Liam hadn’t mentioned his mother or sister and the doctor hadn’t asked.

  “It’s my job to help you start planning for a future with your wife that isn’t led by fear and anxiety. Do you know why I can help?”‘

  “Because they pay you well?” Liam said dryly.

  Dr. Abrams chuckled. He sat back. “No. Because after Hanoi I was you, man.” Abrams reached down and tugged at his left pant leg, then knocked his knuckles on what was now, obviously, a prosthetic. It sounded hollow. I carry the same load, Lieutenant. That makes us brothers. A brother never leaves another down.”

  Liam nodded. He felt a deeper connection with the doctor. Not just from their shared experiences, but from his fatherly nature. There were times in his life Liam had wanted a father figure. Remembered men he’d known as a kid in that role. He got that feeling from his father in-law and now from Dr. Abrams. “Okay, I’m ready.”

  The doctor nodded. “Now, I’ll prescribe something mild to address the panic attacks. It’ll make you sleepy and it’ll affect your libido.”

  “Affect it how?”

  The doctor’s bushy brow lifted. “It can cause temporary impotence. But only if you—”

  “No thanks. I’ll do the therapy, but I don’t want any drugs like that. What kind of therapy will it be?”

  “Well, I’ve already enrolled you into a physical therapy program to work on strengthening the muscles around your knee. I suggest you stay on the cane, don’t go often without it.”

  “Don’t have much of a choice.”

  “Then we’ll begin with cognitive therapy.”

  “What’s that?”

  “It’s a better way for you to understand and change how you think about your past trauma. The goal is for you to recognize certain thoughts that trigger stress for you. It’ll be simple, soldier. You’ll identify each stressor based on several exercises I put you through. Then you’ll take what we work on into your day-to-day life and ultimately teach yourself again how to cope. That’s the disconnect you, know? Back in that prison they put you in, you had to learn to cope to survive. Consider it the most important training you’ve undergone in your military life. That’s what’s going to get you through the next part.”

  Liam had to admit the doctor was right. And he was ready. He gave a simple nod to acknowledge his compliance.

  “Good. Now you’re in a different world. Five years have gone by without you, friends have moved on, your wife has changed, and you’re a father. Here, in the world you live in today, you’ll have to learn how to cope again. Sometimes those lines get blurred and people we love get the worst of it. But we can define new boundaries for you and regain control.”

  The whole thing sounded like a genie in a bottle. He wasn’t sure if learning to cope would be enough to make the dreams go away. But if Kennedy’s love had already helpe
d him find peace, he guessed it was possible. “Okay. I’m ready.”

  The doctor hesitated as if he wanted to say more. Then the moment passed. He gave a curt nod. “Fine, I need to see you the day after Christmas. Can you make it through the next two days?”

  Liam chewed on his bottom lip. He laughed. “Don’t have much of a choice.”

  ***

  The knife sliced cleanly through the third of six yellow onions she would have to dice. Her had eyes started tearing after the second. Now her nose was running. Kennedy kept dicing, mincing, letting her gaze drift to her sister, then back to the cutting board. The kitchen buzzed as it always did on the eve of a holiday. Her mother prepped the glaze for the ham, and seasoning for the turkey. Kennedy’s job was the mixture of onions, celery, and cranberries for the stuffing. And Harper was working on sweet potato and apple pies.

  “You’re mighty quiet,” Kennedy said to Harper.

  Her sister forced a smile, but kept shaving the lumpy sweet potato in her hand. Since she’d arrived, she said barely six words total. At first Kennedy was too caught up in her own budding excitement and mothering of Mackenzie to notice. Now the silence was almost deafening.

  “What’s going on with you?” Gail asked, coming between the girls to the sink. She stared at Harper as well.

  “Nothing. Gosh, why the third degree?” Harper moaned.

  Gail looked to Kennedy, who shrugged. The phone rang. She reached for it before her mother could. Gail smirked and walked off.

  “Hello?”

  “Hi, you,” Liam said.

  “Hi, you.” Kennedy grinned. She felt her mother’s eyes on her. She walked out of the kitchen. She could hear Mackenzie singing for her grandfather as they watched one of her DVDs. “How was it?”