Before Sunrise Read online

  Liam shook his head. “Not sure I could do the same if some punk kid tried to take Mackenzie.”

  Andrew smirked. “Karma.”

  Liam tensed, but managed to smile.

  They settled again into silence.

  “I remember the day her world fell apart,” Andrew began.

  “Kay?” Liam asked.

  “Kennedy.”

  Liam swallowed. His throat was so painfully dry it made his voice raspy. “When?”

  Andrew just stared at him for a moment. Liam knew when. The day their lives changed. When he lost her and she lost him. Andrew nodded, seeing in his eyes that they were on the same page. “Kennedy said the Navy told her you were killed in action. She called me screaming in the phone. Told me that your unit had abandoned you, or so she believed. She begged me to help. As if I could do anything. They couldn’t even tell her if they would recover your body. Apparently she got the news before Eric and the others could warn her. I’ve never seen her so devastated.”

  The truth about his wife’s pain was an uncomfortable lesson. He closed his eyes and conjured images of a pregnant Kennedy alone, sick with grief. It made that cold feeling of rage rise under the surface of his battle-scarred heart. He ground his molars in resistance. Who could he blame? Sarkhir? The Navy? Himself?

  “There I was sitting in my office, between meetings, when my daughter’s world exploded. She needed me. It was the first time since you two were married that she did. I’ve never felt so helpless.” Andrew cleared his throat. “I’ll tell you this. She never gave up on you, Liam. When she tells you that its not just words, it’s the truth. We all wrote you off as a dead hero, and she refused to accept it.”

  “I’ve caused her so much grief.”

  “No son, you’ve given her the happiness she deserved, and you kept your promise to her. To me. I told you I wanted Kennedy to finish school, attend college. No babies until after she had. You and she honored my wishes. She didn’t get pregnant until after she graduated. Son, your word has been golden from the day the two of you married. You said you’d never abandon her, never fail her, give your life to protect her. You did all of that, Liam. After everything you’ve been through you came back to her. I know you survived a lot, just as she held on for you.”

  Liam met Andrew’s stare.

  Andrew nodded. “You made more of a sacrifice than any man I know. I’m proud that you are my son-in-law. Hell, I’m proud to know you period. Welcome back home, son.”

  “Thank you,” Liam managed to say.

  Andrew rose. “Take her somewhere tonight and talk it out. She’ll listen if you will. Okay? Good. It’s time for the old man to pack it in. I think I will go to bed now.”

  Liam reached for his cane. “Thanks for the talk.”

  To Liam’s surprise Andrew approached and pulled him into a tight hug, a lasting hug that forced Liam to lift his arms to hug him back.

  “We got you back, now stay with us. Don’t give up, Liam. You’re home.”

  “Thank you, sir,” he said.

  Andrew released him. Sally observed them, drawing their attention. She had her purse. “Ready to go when you are,” she headed for the door.

  Liam nodded to his mother. It was indeed late. He should take her back to his place so she could get some rest. Liam sucked down a deep breath. He stared at the tree a moment longer, then shook his head. He turned to leave and found Kennedy staring at him.

  “I’m not coming with you tonight.”

  The words were like a bullet to his chest. “I understand.”

  “You’ll be here in the morning?”

  “I will.”

  “She wakes at six. She’ll expect you to be here.”

  “I’ll be here, Kay. I promise.”

  She looked him over. He lowered his gaze to his beer-and-blood-stained shirt. He knew his face must have been ghastly. He couldn’t hide his mistakes from her, so he just waited for her to speak.

  “Good night.” She turned and walked back toward the kitchen.

  “Kay?”

  She stopped.

  “I love you, babe,” he said.

  She nodded, and went back into the kitchen.

  ***

  Eric looked up when Sally walked out the front door. She went around to the passenger side of Liam’s car. A few minutes later Liam stepped out. Eric had been sitting outside in Harper’s car for nearly an hour, debating, arguing, agreeing, and listening to her. The girl was a master negotiator. She could talk bin Laden out of the Afghan mountains if she wanted to. They reached the point where words weren’t enough. They remained trapped in a disagreeable silence and watched the house. Liam moved a little sluggishly with his head low, his leg stiffening his walk. He approached the car, got in, then backed out of the drive.

  “You think he and Kennedy will be okay?” Eric asked. Things had to be bad if his boy was leaving alone. He felt like shit for taking him to a bar on Christmas Eve. But he knew his friend. He had to let go of some of that pent-up aggression. It was the only cure he could think of.

  “They’ll find their way.,” Harper sighed.

  “We cool? We understand each other?”

  “I get it, Eric. You like the sex, but don’t want the girl.”

  “Fuck, Harper. You know that’s not what I’m saying.”

  “I said I get it. Doesn’t mean I have to like it.”

  Eric reached over and touched her hand. She turned it over so she could hold his. He brought it to his lips and kissed her knuckles softly. “You’re pretty damn special to me, kid. Thank you, Harper.”

  Her eyes were weepy. Tears shimmered from the tips of her long lashes. “For?”

  “For teaching me a few things about myself. You made a man who is usually certain of everything, uncertain of everything. Do you understand?”

  “No.”

  “Trying to do the right thing here, Harper. Cut me some slack.”

  “Eric…we….” She paused, took a deep breath, and then continued. “If we tried to get to know each other, date, just try—”

  “I’m not your guy, Harper. Okay?”

  She slowly withdrew her hand. “Fine. I get it.”

  He opened the door and eased out, taking his helmet with him. Eric’s heart was packed tight with misery so he forced his legs to move. He was glad he had a helmet; it provided the distraction he needed to keep her from seeing the conflict on his face. He put it on and flipped up the visor so he could see for his night ride. Climbing on his bike, he heard her car start and slowly drive away. Eric cursed under his breath. Fuck it all to hell. I shoulda just gone to damn Jakarta.

  ***

  Kennedy shut off the light in the kitchen. If she had scrubbed the place any longer, the enamel would have been eradicated from the countertops. She tossed the rag, dropped a hip to the sink, and folded her arms. The darkness was a welcome event. The silence? Splendid. At last she didn’t have to pretend, put on a brave face, hide her feelings.

  But his absence pained her. The urge to grab her keys and run to him was so strong it suppressed her reasonable objections. Kennedy considered she could have overacted. Like a beaten, love-starved child, she even considered that she deserved his thoughtlessness. After all, this was another’s man house and life he had to walk into. This was not his Christmas, but hers and on her terms. The Liam she knew never allowed their life to be so disorderly. After the chaos of their origins, their life was carefully planned. He put the boundaries around them to ensure it. Together they existed in bliss within their marriage—their very own private world. Liam would go out and slay the dragons, and she’d be waiting anxiously, to cage his beast, heal his wounds, and give him comfort.

  Wifely responsibilities as Mrs. Flanagan weren’t suffocating. She never felt cheated in that role. When she was in school and he’d be up to visit, he’d help her with her class assignments. Getting her GED just required her to take a test, one she passed easily. But freshman year of college proved to be pretty tough because she just wasn
’t interested. She knew the schooling and maturing for them both had been Liam’s way to prove to her parents he hadn’t ruined her life. All she’d truly ever wanted was to be his. She wanted him; she wanted his babies. Kennedy had romanticized the struggle of building her perfect family with him. Liam had been more of a realist. He would have none of that. He forced her to focus on their life plans.

  How many stolen moments over the years had she just wanted to be held by him? Inhale the strong maleness of his skin, and the barley on his breath from a dinner beer. Too many to count.

  Liam wasn’t perfect. He did irk her at times, leaving the toilet seat up and destroying her kitchen just to make a simple sandwich. Oh, and the remote. He was a remote hog. Really selfish. Always wanting to watch some sports show, not caring which. And if she watched one of her favorite reality shows, he’d seduce her to avoid having to sit through it.

  There were little things, big things, and insignificant things that wore her nerves on some days. But when he was gone, she craved each and every moment of marital strife.

  “What am I doing?” she asked, sinking to the floor. She put her back to the kitchen cabinets, and drew her knees up. Her head dropped into her open palms as her elbows rested on her knees. “He only made a mistake. Isn’t he entitled to make mistakes? He’s only human. Right?”

  Kennedy closed her eyes and shoved her weakness down. She wasn’t helping him by slipping into insecurity. They had a life to rebuild. She had to be strong. Lesson one: he would soon learn that he would not take her and their daughter for granted. They needed to restore their faith in each other and it had to start with mutual respect.

  Lesson two: she would stop making excuses for his behavior. He disappointed her, then she’d call him on it. And he’d own up to it. Enabling him would be a disastrous move. And her final lesson of the night is that she would seek some professional help. She talked about it, encouraged Liam to do so, but the truth was she needed it. Not a conversation from Angelina or a lecture from her mother, but an unbiased professional to help her deal with her guilt, fear, and elation. She needed perspective. She needed to be whole.

  Change had come and neither of them could face the truth. Different felt scary. Talking with Liam about this would keep them grounded and connected. He was her soulmate, so he had to understand.

  She reached above her head and grabbed the edge of the sink. When she rose she found herself weak, nauseous, and before she could reconcile the conflict churning in her gut, she turned to the sink and vomited. Kennedy quickly released the faucet and ran the tap to rinse away the evidence. Her hands shook. She clenched them to stop the trembles. I have my secrets, too. In the beginning, there were days when she wanted to die. Quiet, lonely moments when Phil was called away on something the military wouldn’t allow him to share and it was just her and her sweet baby. The doctors called it post-partum. She knew it was far worse. It was post-Liam, and part of her was out there in the desert, lost and unreachable. Kennedy dreamed of death. What it would be like, how quickly and easily she could do it. And how wonderful it would be when she didn’t have to pretend to be okay, when she didn’t have to hide her grief for fear someone would try to fix her. Liam would be in Heaven waiting. She could see him in his Chicago Cubs hat and Green Day T-shirt. He’d give her that sly smile and say he’d missed her. That he’d been waiting for her.

  That’s why she needed Phil. He was her salvation. He’d keep her feet on the ground when she wanted to float away into the dark void of depression. She remembered Mackenzie, and how much she loved her, and how hard it was to even hold her and not think of Liam. She and Phil talked. That’s what they did the first year, almost daily. Talk, and talk through her feelings. He never pressured her to get over it. He just listened, and held her and Mackenzie as they healed. Phil was her safety net. Liam would never understand the pure nature of their bond. And Phil would never forgive her for casting him out of her heart.

  She couldn’t win.

  Slowly, she left the kitchen, climbed the stairs, and headed for her room. The soft sound of her parents’ voices stopped her. Hearing her name made her ears twitch.

  She stepped over to the guest room door.

  “I’m making things worse Drew. Aren’t I?”

  “Sweetheart, try to sleep. Tomorrow’s Christmas.”

  Gail turned toward her husband. She put a hand to his jaw. Smiling into his eyes, she sighed. “I love you, Drew,” she admitted softly. “I know it’s been hard between us. I know that’s my fault. Sometimes I do things…say things. I’m sorry for punishing you so often.”

  “You’re my life. Nothing with you is hard.” He kissed her brow.

  “Why do you put up with me?” she asked, and snuggled his chest. The top of her head was tucked under his chin. “I’ve pushed you past the limit many times, and you’re here. You never gave up.”

  Andrew smiled. “I love you. It’s that simple. Just like it has been for our daughter. She loves Liam, always has. And she’s strong, Gail. Very strong. You two are so much alike. My girls.”

  “I’ll admit I wasn’t happy when they said he was alive. I’m sorry, but I wasn’t. When he was gone, she needed us again. We saw her rebuild her life, how she became her own person without him.”

  “She suffered, sweetheart. She just did so in silence because she didn’t want to upset everyone. But you’re her mother. You know she never let him go.”

  Gail sighed. “Yes, and I feel awful. As her mother I shouldn’t be another source of pain for her. I’ve made so many mistakes with her, Andrew.”

  “Gail…”

  “I did something. Something I shouldn’t have. My heart was in the right place, but I crossed the line—again. When she finds out, she won’t forgive me.”

  “What? What did you do?”

  “Never mind. It’s between me and Kennedy. I’ll talk to her in the morning. I’ll apologize. Liam’s alive, and we’re family. Right? We should, um, heal. Together.”

  Kennedy drew away to the sounds of her parents’ love. She didn’t want another confrontation with her mother, especially on Christmas day. Burdened and tired, she retreated to her bedroom and as soon as she crossed the threshold she fell on top of her bed and closed her eyes. All night she had resisted the urge to cry. Now that she had the opportunity, she couldn’t summon the strength to drop a single tear. She just wanted to close her eyes and wait for the sun. Try again. Deal with everyone tomorrow.

  The phone rang.

  She snatched up the receiver.

  “Hi,” Liam said.

  “Hi,” she answered.

  “Can you come outside?”

  “Huh?”

  “Took Sally home and came back. Been sitting out here for a while working up the nerve to knock on the door. Do you want to go for a drive with me?”

  Kennedy sat up on the bed. He’d been outside all this time? She walked over to the window and looked out the blinds. He was parked in the driveway. Her heart skipped a beat. “Yeah, I’ll be right down,” she said. Kennedy hurried to the bathroom and washed her face. Then she put on two sweaters and her boots. Swiftly and silently she left the house.

  She hadn’t ridden in Liam’s GTO in years. Once she was in the car with him, she felt ten years younger. He didn’t speak. He threw the car in reverse and backed out to the street.

  So they rode for the first ten minutes in silence before she cleared her throat. “I think we need some boundaries.”

  Liam glanced over to her, then returned his eyes to the road. “I’m listening, babe.”

  “No more drinking. Not for a while. I’ll go dry with you, but absolutely no alcohol.”

  “Okay.”

  “No more fights. You want to hit something, we’ll put a punching bag in the garage.”

  “I don’t want to hit something,” he muttered.

  “I know you’re aggressive. It’s who you became when they made you a SEAL, and I know that bar fight wasn’t about me, it was about you and feeling somethin
g. I understand. But I don’t want any more violence in our lives. We’ve had enough.”

  “Kay—”

  “I mean it, Liam. I won’t sit back and watch you self-destruct. If it gets bad and you need space, then take it, but what you did tonight went too far. Look at your face.”

  “I agree, sweetheart. No more of the bullshit. I get it.” He nodded. “What else, Kay?”

  “Never mind the rest,” she sighed. “Let’s start there.”

  “I spoke to your father today. He shared some things about what you went through when I was gone.”

  Kennedy focused on the night as they drove at a moderate speed through a sleeping town.

  “Sally told me a little more on the drive home. She said you suffered from post-partum depression. Is that true? Hun, you never told me any of this.”

  Kennedy drew in her bottom lip. She closed her eyes. “I…don’t like talking about it.”

  “Why?”

  She shook her head.

  “Why don’t you like talking about it, Kay?”

  “Why? Because for the first year of our daughter’s life she didn’t just lose you, she lost me too. I don’t like talking about her needing us both and having to rely on others for the affection she should have had. We wanted her so much, and neither of us could be there for her. I knew that and still I couldn’t get past…my issues. Now I look at her and think of the bonding we should have shared and it kills me. She’s my baby. A part of me Liam, and I couldn’t even bring myself to breast feed her, for Christ sake.”

  “Damn, sweetheart, I’m such an idiot for not seeing this. You’ve been through hell and I should have known. I’m so sorry.”

  “It’s okay, I got help. I had help.”

  “You mean Phil. He helped you.”

  She slowly returned her gaze to him. Liam gave her a shy smile. “I think I get it now. I mean understand why you two were close. He was there so you had no choice but to let him help you.”